As teachers, parents, and adults navigating the world, we often find ourselves interpreting behaviors through the lens of what we expect from others. When a child—or a colleague, friend, or partner—seems disengaged, uninterested, or sassy, our first instinct may be to assume the worst. But what if we paused to ask: What is this person really trying to communicate?

This question became central to my experience with Bobby (name changed for anonymity), a five-year-old in my class who had been acting out lately. His father confirmed that Bobby was also struggling at home, largely because their family had been talking about moving. Bobby started asking questions like, Do I have to make new friends? It was clear that the uncertainty of change was weighing on him—something all of us, at any age, can relate to. How often do we, as adults, feel a sense of unease when facing the unknown? A job change, a relocation, even a shift in personal relationships can trigger our need for stability and reassurance.

The Power of Curiosity Over Assumption

One day, during my co-teacher’s circle time, Bobby appeared disengaged. My co-teacher, feeling frustrated, told him that his behavior looked rude and that she wanted him to be more present in the lesson. While I understood her reaction—after all, teaching a group of young children is exhausting and emotionally demanding—I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something deeper behind Bobby’s behavior.

Later, Bobby told me about a “scary” dream he had, where I turned into a ghost with pictures of swirling colors all over me. He built a trap to catch me and, through magic, turned me back into myself. The symbolism struck me—was Bobby grappling with control, with things shifting beyond his understanding? It reminded me of how, as adults, we sometimes try to create structure around uncertainty, seeking control in situations that feel overwhelming.

During my circle time, Bobby asked, How long is this book? His tone could have been interpreted as dismissive, but I chose to dig deeper. Instead of reacting, I asked, How long do you want it to be? He said 10 pages, so I counted. Why do you want to know? I asked. He responded that he thought it was 22 pages and was unsure. How does it feel to not know?

This moment unfolded into a discussion with the class about how not knowing something—like when a book will end, when a school day will finish, or when a big change will happen—can make us feel uneasy. Having clear expectations gives us a sense of security, a finish line we can see. Just like children, adults also feel more at ease when we know what’s coming next. How many of us feel anxious when waiting for test results, an important email, or even just a delayed flight? It’s a universal experience.

Reframing Sass as a Search for Stability

When I later shared this perspective with my co-teacher, I realized that we were both coming from a place of care but saw the situation differently. She saw Bobby’s behavior as a challenge to authority, whereas I saw it as an attempt to find security. Neither of us was wrong, and in fact, both perspectives held truth. In stressful moments, it’s easy to fall into patterns of frustration rather than curiosity, but if we can take a step back, we might see the underlying emotions that drive certain behaviors.

The Cost of Misunderstanding

If we don’t take the time to understand what children are truly communicating, we risk shutting down their emotional expression. When a child consistently feels unheard or misinterpreted, they may stop trying to express their needs altogether or act out in more extreme ways. Anxiety, withdrawal, defiance, or even struggles with self-esteem can emerge when a child doesn’t feel safe to explore their emotions and uncertainties. Just as adults struggle when they feel dismissed or misunderstood, children—who are still developing the tools to process and articulate their feelings—need patience and guidance, not just discipline.

So how do we bridge this gap in understanding? Here are a few ways:

• Reframe the behavior: Instead of labeling Bobby as defiant, we can see his behavior as an attempt to make sense of uncertainty. If we acknowledge his need for security, we can guide him rather than reprimand him.
• Respond with curiosity, not correction: When a child—or anyone—seems dismissive or uninterested, instead of reacting, try asking questions. This opens up dialogue and helps uncover the real emotion underneath.
• Recognize that everyone processes change differently: A move, a new friend group, a shift in routine—these all carry weight for a child, just as major life changes do for adults. Acting out might not be about challenging authority but about trying to hold onto something familiar.

The Bigger Lesson

Bobby’s dream about trapping and transforming the ghost was his way of processing the idea that things—people, situations, even himself—can change and be brought back to order. Maybe, in his own way, he was telling me that he wanted to believe everything would be okay. And isn’t that what we all want when we’re faced with uncertainty?

By choosing to see beyond the surface of a child’s behavior, we offer them a greater gift than discipline—we offer them understanding. And through that, we help them feel safe enough to navigate their world with confidence, knowing that even when things change, they are not alone.

So the next time a child—or even an adult—asks a question that seems unnecessary or makes a remark that feels defiant, take a breath and ask yourself: What are they really trying to tell me? The answer might surprise you.