For most of my life, I never had a strong desire to have children. It wasn’t something I dreamed of or planned for. But then I had two miscarriages. The pain was deep and confusing, and somewhere in that grief, I found myself falling in love with the feeling of being pregnant. I started questioning whether I truly wanted to be a mother or if I was simply longing to rewrite that experience with a different ending.

Over time, I healed from those losses, and life brought me into a relationship that is, in every way that matters, exactly what I’ve always wanted—except for one thing. My partner does not want children. Ever. He is so certain that he’s had a vasectomy. That certainty quickly forced me to sit with my own desires and ask: Do I actually want to be a mother? Or was I just grieving the idea of what could have been? Could it be both?

Through deep reflection and honest conversations, I came to a realization: I prioritize connection—a rare, deeply inspiring, and creatively fulfilling partnership—over the idea of having a child. That doesn’t mean I don’t have maternal instincts; in fact, I find that my strong maternal energy is fully expressed in how I care for and nurture my partner, our relationship, and the things we create together. But I also had to face my own romanticized beliefs about motherhood to find clarity.

If you’re struggling with similar feelings, here are some questions that helped me find my answer:

1. Are You Romanticizing Parenthood?

I used to think, Wouldn’t it be beautiful to walk with a child that came from my own womb? That vision felt warm and comforting. But when I sat with it longer, I realized I wasn’t picturing the sleepless nights, the daily caregiving, or the sacrifice of personal time. I wasn’t deeply drawn to the work of parenting, just the idea of it.

Ask yourself: Do you love the idea of raising a child, or do you genuinely want the reality of it—the hard parts, the routine, the sacrifices?

2. Are You Seeking Validation Through Motherhood?

Somewhere along my lifetime, I had attached an unconscious meaning to having a baby: Being chosen to carry someone’s child is the ultimate validation of love. But is it?

True validation of love isn’t about being chosen to bear a child—it’s about being chosen every single day by a partner who wants to grow, create, and evolve with you.

Here is another one: Being able to have a baby means being initiated into womanhood, that you are now a real woman. Is that true? Or is that just a deeply ingrained narrative I’ve absorbed? I asked myself, what does it mean to be a woman? 

To me, being a woman means holding values of peace, gentle guidance through humility,  understanding and compassion for humanity, respect for oneself and for others young and old, fierce intuition, wisdom and quick discernment, an uncanny ability to move through the contradictions of life and emotions—all embodied with grace and surrender, forgiveness and dignity.

True validation of my womanhood is not about whether I successfully birth a human being into this world— being a woman is about living consciously aligned to your center of truths, and living with aliveness in the heart of where your idea of God and creation live. Whether that includes biological motherhood is beside the point.

Ask yourself: Is my desire for a child about the child itself, or is it about feeling loved, seen, and valued? 

3. What Do You Truly Fear Losing?

One of my fears was that choosing not to have children would mean missing out on a lifelong connection. A child is forever. But the reality is that a child is not a guaranteed lifelong connection. I had romanticized the idea of having an unbreakable bond with a future child, but parent-child relationships aren’t always close. Sometimes they don’t turn out the way we hope. 

Meanwhile, a romantic partnership might not be guaranteed to last forever, but if it’s deeply fulfilling, it can last a lifetime if nurtured. And if it doesn’t, if I’m living the way I need to be living, I know I can create something new again, with or without another person. And therein lies the power of choice: There is no choice in who your child is, but with a partner, you have the privilege of choice. 

Ask yourself: Am I craving the certainty of a lifelong connection, or am I craving something deeper—like meaning, creativity, or emotional intimacy?

4. Would You Regret Not Having a Baby—or Not Living Your Life Fully?

When I thought about regret, I asked myself: Ten years from now, what would I be more likely to regret?

Would I regret not having a baby? Maybe. But when I really dug deep, I realized what I would definitely regret was not living my life fully—not creating, not adventuring, not embracing the things that light me up. If I hadn’t built a life that felt full, I might start looking for meaning in a child instead of in myself.

Ask yourself: Would I regret not having a baby, or would I regret not pursuing the fullest version of my life?

5. Can Maternal Energy Be Expressed in Other Ways?

What surprised me the most was that my maternal instincts weren’t tied to having a child. I feel them deeply when I nurture my relationship, when I support my partner’s growth, when I create meaningful projects, and when I guide myself with care and intention.

I assumed that maternal energy was meant to be directed toward a child, but it can be directed toward love, creativity, mentorship, and the way we move through the world.

Ask yourself: Does my desire to nurture have to be fulfilled through parenthood, or can it be expressed in other ways?

Conclusion: Defining Your Own Fulfillment

What I learned through all of this is that the only person who can define your fulfillment is you. I was confused about my desires for having a baby, but when I stepped back to look at the bigger picture, I was reminded that what I really have always wanted was a life filled with adventure, deep connection, and creative partnership. 

If you’re at a crossroads, ask yourself the hard questions. Separate the idea of motherhood from the reality of it. Recognize the ways in which you might be seeking validation or certainty. And most importantly, ask yourself what kind of life would make you feel truly full—with or without a child.

No one can make this decision for you. But when you get quiet, when you strip away fear and expectation, the truth is already inside you. You just have to listen.

---

Which question resonated with you the most? Have you ever struggled with the idea of motherhood vs. personal fulfillment? Share your thoughts below—I’d love to hear your perspective.